I have many friends that have come and gone in my lives.
Those that are really,
really close to me always leave.

Davian and Peter James.
These two people are really the few of greatest people on Earth.
They are the ones who made me come out from my shell,
And let me look at the world around me.

We met in a church,
When they were staying in Singapore for their break.
But none of us were Christians.

I was new in that church then.
So were they.
And the other youths there weren't friendly at all.
I was feeling like an outcast when I saw 2 curly haired "angmohs"
(meaning caucasians or Eurpoean people in a non-offensive way in Singapore)
at the other corner of the room,
Also looking very bored.

One (Davian) happened to look at me while I was staring at them.
Hahaha.
Then he started to drag his twin brother (Peter) towards me.
We started talking,
And just clicked.
I learnt that they were having a long break and came to visit their Grandmother,
Who is living in Singapore.

As it was holiday for me as well as them,
We met out often.
They introduced me to their Singaporean cousins,
Sharon and Mark.
We then built up a band,
Sharon as pianist,
Mark as a drummer,
Peter as the bassist,
Davian as the lead guitarist and backup singer,
Me as the LEAD SINGER.

Our practice locations:
Gran's house and the church studio.
-.-

I was totally uncomfortable when they put me in the lead.
But I could not play other instruments,
And Davian insisted that I sing.
(He claimed that I could sing well,
Which I refuse to believe up to this very day.)

Anyway,
We played and sang Christian songs for the church for a period of time as a payment for the usage of the practice studio.

But in Gran's house,
(THEIR grandmother's house)
We sang songs from all kinds of pop groups and singers of my vocal range.
Hahaha.

In the times that we go out,
We were really wild.
ESPECIALLY if it was just Davian,
Peter and me.

We did stupid things that made us get diarrhea and stuff like that.
They have this habit of playing the number game at random times like while walking or on the bus.
Then the loser have to do something stupid like yell some stupid stuff in the bus,
Act like a gay or something like that.

The worst thing I had to do was to go up to a stranger and ask HIM if he had any sanitary pad.
-.-

Ahahaha.
The times we had...

I had this thinking that I brought bad luck to people.
I seriously belived this.
It lasted till today.

Why?

After I was born,
1. My dad's money and house in M'sia got cheated away by his childhood friends.
2. I can remember that my mom and dad had fights almost everyday when I was young before Eve was born.
2. And there was my primary school best friend who died,
3. And my nanny who committed suicide.

I was always thinking negatively,
Till today.
Thats why I avoid getting too close to people.
And when I remember or thought of them,
I'd get upset,
Especially for my nanny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My nanny.
The day before she died,
I met her at the provision shop at the block of flat where I used to live.
(She was my neighbour before I shifted to Ubi.)
I remember that she was buying butter and coffee powder.
She asked me to go up to her house for dinner,
Saying that she'll cook my favourite mashed potato for me.
As it was a band practice day,
It was already 7P.M. at night.
Past my curfew of reaching home by 7 at that time.
Mom had called me to go home as everyone was waiting for me to start dinner.
And mom had already cooked dinner.
So I said 'No. Some other day? I'll call Eve and Noo-noo (my sisters) okay?'
She patted my head and said ok.
I pressed the lift for her and she went up.
I then chatted with Mrs Tong (the shop owner) while waiting for bus 63.
Went home,
Told mom about my nanny.
Mom said we'd go visit her the next week.

Then the next day.
Was a saturday.
Was a band prac day.
Received a call from mom at around 4P.M. saying that she's at Aunt Alice's house.
(Alice is the name of my nanny.)
I was puzzled cos my mom said she'd visit her next sat right?
Then mom said that she'd jumped from 13th floor at the block beside block 60.
Don't remember much of what happened after that.
I remember just grabbing my bag and running to her house after that.

Yeah.
If I had only gone up for dinner with her...
Maybe she would still be alive and well today.
Was she sad that I rejected her?
If only I had gone up for dinner.
Why didn't I read the signs?
Why didn't I realize what she meant?
Why was I so ignorant?
Why was I so selfish?
Why was I so insensitive?

If only I paid more attention.
If only I noticed.


As for my primary school best friend,
He had this problem with the brain tissues and vessels...
Can't understand it when it was explained to us.
Anyway,
The 3 of us;
Ming Long,
Paul (that's his name. Paul Tan)
Me.
We hung out together during recess,
Played together in school since Primary 5.
He was a normal kid,
Only that he suffered from frequent headaches and was constantly on MC.
But when he was in school,
He was fun to be with.
Can remember fragments of memories.
A smilely guy,
Good boy,
Always bright and cheerful.
There was this period of time where he was absent for about 1 week.
No news,
Nothing.
Then the teacher told us that he got hospitalized.
I remember it was during March when I was in Primary 6.
Passed away in June the same year.

I remember wanting to visit him.
There was a 'trip' to the hospital for my class at that time to visit him.
It was like a day after school,
Then Miss Ho said that those who want to visit him stay back,
We're going to the hospital together.
I remembered being scared.
Couldn't make up my mind.
I hid in the toilet crying for dunno how long,
By the time I came out,
The bus had just left.
I spent the whole day sitting alone at his desk in the Primary 6 Hope classroom.

The next day,
I overheard Miss Ho telling the chinese teacher that he was in the ICU.
Didn't know what it meant at that time.
I wanted to go,
But I didn't dare to ask for the hospital and room number.
I thought like all sick people,
He'd get well like the others and come back.
So didn't get it.

Then in the June holidays,
School shifted.
Ming Long,
Alvin and I went to help to shift the tables and chairs to the new site.
Then Miss Ho told us that he had passed away.
She went for his funeral,
And showed us the booklet with a photo of him when he was baptised.
Ming Long and I cried on the spot.

I was so useless.
My friend was in hospital,
And I didn't even visit him,
Or say goodbye to him.

Those were my thoughts then.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'd get really upset and start shunning myself away when I thought of those stuff.
They really had an impact on me,
Even till today.

The 2 of them always seemed to sense that I was upset and stuff.
Always.
They liked to hug me,
Calling me a big huggy teddy bear.
I used to be very quiet and shy,
But they made me talk and interact more.
And I opened up little by little.

Thanks to them,
I am that noisy Jiejun in front of my friends.

I remember the day they went back to the US.
We cried,
And hugged for the last time.
Gran and Mark went back with them,
Leaving me and Sharon behind.

Today,
Sharon is studying in SIM.
Mark is in Austrailia.

And I'm still in Singapore.


Now the 2 of them are gone.
Maybe I really am a jinx.
I really don't know.
Maybe I shouldn't have been so close to them.
Maybe I indirectly caused them their deaths.
Like how I did to others.


I want to wake up and realize this is all a dream.
I really really cannot take it anymore...
The pain...
Its so difficult to describe...

Its like something squeezing your heart,
Eating it,
Or the heart's breaking...
And its super hard to breathe.
And you just feel sian,
Wanna cry (but can't cry out),
And feel like drinking or killing youself.


I really miss the two of you loads.
Really really really miss you guys.


Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend to leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide?