WARNING:
This is gonna be one emo post.

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I've been facing alot of insecurities right now.
Don't even touch on the BGR thingy.

I don't know why,
Everything seems to come crashing down at one go...
Probably the after effects of the events that came in school that made me think...
Prolly thought too much....




First,
I realized that poly life's gonna end.

If everything goes okay,
(Meaning I don't fail any subjects this/next semester,)
I'll be graduating in March/April next year.
It's damn scary.

No more usual meetings with the kids for dinner,
I'm an alumni,
And the option of working and/or uni.

Thinking back,
I'm really tired right now.
Working hard and even harder to the brink of exhaustion,
Yet not getting what I aimed at.
My results are mainly 'B's and 'C's.
Rubbish.
Can't even step into NUS/NTU.
(Don't even mention SMU.)

Dad asked me about after poly.
Wondering with many feedbacks from outside people if I should continue studies at SIM Uni.
Yeah...
Heard many things from there...

I don't know...
Should I work?
What should I work as?
Where?
How to find a job?
What am I to do?

Or maybe I should continue my studies?

I'm thinking of expanding to HR.
Should I?
Dad said he'll support me if I do plan to go uni...
But with me and such disappointing results in poly,
I really wonder if I should really enter....

If I go to work,
I don't think I'll be half working half studying ba,
Unless the company requests.
Maybe I would?
I really don't know.


Secondly,
Recently,
With some personal problems outside,
I really really had a lot of support from my mom and dad.
I'm really grateful,
I'm really thankful to have such great parents.
But recently,
I've been hit with this realization that as I grow up,
My parents are getting old too.
And this really scares me.

I meet them everyday,
I talk to them,
Have dinner with them at least 3times a week.
But goodness...
Ever since that day,
I've realized how much my mom and dad has got older.
And my dad has been acting abit strangely in a good way,
Cos its bonding my family tightly together.
I feel that it's cos he finally sees my sisters and I as grown ups.
And I'm happy.
But there's a growing fear in me too.
I don't know why.
It's just this fear in me that's growing as the day goes by.
And I can't just define it.
It's downright pure fear,
And tears well up automatically whenever the feeling comes.

Okay,
To be honest,
I kinda know where this is about,
I know that it's bad,
I'm not to think so much.
But I feel it whenever I laugh with them.
It's just so scary,
I really love my them alot,
And I really don't know what to do.
All I can do is to hold back my tears,
And try to maintain my composure.
I don't know what I can do.
The feeling's just too overwhelming.