Don't know to be frustrated or upset.

Ok. Upset.
Crying hard now.

My main message did not go though again.
She took it the other way, thinking that I am not strong enough.

Sure, I never was a strong person. You mean you haven't noticed?
And you start telling me that you're angry with me.
And that you're irritated and tired of hearing me 'complain'.
And you add that I'm being a burden to you.
Thanks....


What I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to tell you is that:

It's not about external factors, like dealing with other people.
It's not about the people at work.
It's about me.
How I feel.
How I can't cope with the work.
How I had panic attacks,
How they're so scary because I just lose my breath and something's squeezing me so hard inside that I can't breathe.
How I experience them daily before I step out of the house,
Another just before I step into the gates and another before I go for class.

It's about how goddamn tired I feel everyday when I continue work, after work.
It's about how tired, unmotivated and useless I feel when people's ideas always seem better than mine no matter how hard I tried or researched.
It's about how I already get so little sleep, 2 to 4 hours a day, and I keep waking up after an hour or so.
It's about how I have nightmares when I sleep, and I wake up and can't get back to sleep.
It's about how I have thoughts about stopping halfway in the middle of the road and just let a car come.
It's about how I stare at the knife cupboard and suddenly imagine playing with a knife.
It's about how I stand at the window and look down, imagining me flying downwards.

I don't know how to tell you that I'm experiencing all these,
And it's really killing me inside.
How do you tell your mother that you think you might be suffering from depression and having suicidal thoughts?
Thinking back, thank goodness I didn't.
She would probably spite me and say that I'm acting, knowing her.


You mentioned about paying the bond.
I was tempted to say 'yes', for a moment.
Then you threw in some horrible comments and scarcasm.

I did not decide to mention about quitting after hearing my friends' comments.
I decided to end all these first, BEFORE seeking their comments and knowledge about the bond.
But you insisted that I got influenced by them.
I did not, if there would be any influencing, I would be the one altering their ideas, not the other way round.
You accused me again, and how can I just rebutt?
In the end, I had to settle for it again.
Just stay, don't quit. Not even after your bond.

Then you start comparing me with other people's kids.
Why can other people do it, but you can't?

Am I the same person as him/her?
I am not.
I may not be as strong as him/her, but you didn't have to put it in a way stating that you look down on me.

Thanks for making me feel more useless.
All I wanted was you to encourage me, or just give me a hug.

In the end, you told me that I am not as mature as my younger sister,
Said that I am weak,
And that I should learn to grow up.
Thanks. I get the message.

------------------------------------------

So much time wasted on your misunderstanding and scolding on the wrong issues.

Was planning to get some kind words of encouragement,
In the end got scolded for nuts, demoralized and now I'm left with 5 hours to do my work AND sleep.
Guess it's gonna be no sleep tonight again.
And gotta work super OT tomorrow too.

Thanks for making me feel better.