Got into a big quarrel with my mom again.
To her, I'm always an ingrate, a person with no moral conscience.
I'm the worst,
The worst role model for my younger sisters,
The one who never listens,
The one who puts friends first,
The worst and most ingrate to parents,
The one that never show any concern for them.

In all words,
I can never be a good child in their eyes.


Many issues which was brought up.
Many things said that hurt, many things I said and did not say.
I don't find the point of saying them, she will never listen to what I say.



I really hate the fact that she wants me to behave the way she envision what a 'good' child should me.
She looks at all the good points about her friends' children and lumps them together,
And she expects me to behave in the way she envisioned.

I can only say that I am NOT perfect, and I can NEVER be perfect.
The other aunties always praise their own children, and it never helps.


I used to try, but in recent years, I've grown tired and sick of it.
Always listening to them, always giving in to them,
I realized that it always put me in a predicament,
And it's always hindering me to do what I actually want.
I used to abide by their rules and wishes and look where it got me.
I'm really tired.

I just realized that most of the things that I did out of stubbornness and insistence got me good.
Look at joining bands. They hated it, wanted to force me to quit my CCA in secondary school,
But thanks to my stubbornness inherited from both sides, I stayed.

Earned me a chance to do what I like in music, earned me many good friends which helped me to tide through poly, gave me a chance to de-stress and get out of the house.
God knows if I have quit, I would be at home on Friday nights and throughout the weekend.
I really don't know how I'll survive and be sane then.


She is always looking at are my weaknesses and she pokes at them.
And when she speaks of me, it's always complaining about this and that to other people.
That is one reason why I hate going out and have breakfast with her friends on weekdays,
The kind of things she says about me reflects in their words and behaviour towards me.
And it really hurts to hear her bad mouth you, or your sisters, in front of her friends.

I used to be really affected by those hurtful and demeaning things which came our from her.

My whole childhood was spend trying to be a good kid,

Doing my best to behave how they want me to be while wondering what was wrong with me.

I can say that

especially after knowing Dave and his family,

After knowing ah ma, Loy and the others,

After knowing Christopher,

After staying with my aunt,

I realized that it is okay not to be perfect as long as you are giving your best,

It is okay to say no.

It is okay to do what you want (as long as you know your limits).

It is okay to fail or be unsuccessful at something.

Someone who I loved and treasured once told me:

Don't worry if things don't turn out right. No one is perfect, there will always be things that you do better than others, and there will surely be things which you don't. It's okay if things don't turn out right. There will always be people who will still appreciate and love you no matter what. 

-----------------

I want a parent who understands me and help me to grow as a person,
Not one who expects and wants me to live as how she wants me to be,
Not one who provides me with a spotlessly clean home and a good house to live in.


I really wish that my parents could look at me as a person for once.
Really look.

Know what I like, what I'm good at, know my strengths, what I did.
Know my fears, know my worries.
Be proud of where I am, what I've done.
Acknowledge that I have my strengths too, together with my weaknesses.
Offer unbiased views and good advice when I have my troubles, and not poke at them and use them against me.


I want a home, not a house.
A home where everyone understands each other,
One where parents are understanding,
Siblings are good and considerate to one another,
One without picking at every single thing.


Going to dayi's house gives me a sense of what I want as a family.
Everyone has their own lifestyles which are accepted,
Yet they can gel together as a family.
A family that is genuinely happy together, amidst somewhat messy tables and half-full laundry baskets.
A family which is okay to have weaknesses, as there are strengths which are recognized and encouraged.

I want a family like that.